Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Note About Life Right Now

I have struggled for a long time trying to figure out how to gently inform our friends and extended family of the changes in our home.

Bryan and I have separated.

He moved out of our home in July and is now living in a studio somewhere in Minneapolis. We sat down this past Sunday with our three children to officially tell them of the separation. Calvin does not understand but he has reacted by becoming very clingy (another reason he is not going to school this year). Sophie showed no reaction, but later that night when I expressed my surprise that she did not have any questions for us she said "I am just waiting until I hear the "D" word and then I am going to scream and fight and hit and yell and be angry." Maxwell was devastated. He cried a lot and asked very difficult questions. He continues to struggle every day - especially in the evenings.

We are not alone. Thank you, to all of you who have been praying for our family, who have come to my home and shared your time and your skills or just your arms to sooth. I am grateful for a kind and worthy home teacher who has given me blessings of comfort on more than one occasion these past few months. I am grateful for both my family and Bryan's who have been so very worried and supportive. I am grateful for friends and leaders in the church who have been here every moment asking how they can possibly help. I am grateful to a Father in Heaven who knows my sorrow and my pain and who grieves when I weep.

I plan on continuing this blog and hope to keep it a positive environment. There are a lot of days when I am very sad and I may share that with you. I may not. I think of this blog as precious record of my family and an important link to our families who live so far from us.

My goals are very simple right now. I wish to not start and end each day in tears. I wish to keep my children in their home, school and church where they feel safe and cared for - at least during this coming school year. I wish to build my daycare and crafts businesses in such a way as to be able to provide financial security and independence for myself and the children. I wish to be a good example to my children. I wish to find peace through forgiveness someday.

Right now there are good days and there are bad days. There is anger and disappointment and shock that continues to hit at unexpected moments. There is also strength and growth and moments of joy as the kids and I figure out how navigate this new world. There is comfort in gathering together each night to talk and read and pray.

It is ridiculously exhausting to work full-time from 6:30 to 6:30 and continue to be a full-time Mother and homemaker. But, it is worth it every minute in order to be here with my children when Sophie loses a tooth like she did in her cereal this morning or when Calvin came inside tonight to tell me a bee had been sucking out his brains with its honey stick.

I am not alone. My children know that they are not alone. Today, that is enough.


  1. I'm here for you and am willing to help anyway I can. My heart goes out to you all.

  2. You are brave, strong, courageous.

    I'm stopping by because my sister, Cori, mentioned that you are (were?) Brian's wife. (I knew Brian from BYU and through Taran, my x-bro-in-law)...but I've been to your blog before and never knew that. Small, small world.

    As sorry as I am that people separate and sometimes grow in different directions, there can be light at the end of the tunnel (cliche but true). My sister, Cori, is proof of that.

    My heart goes out to you. You can make it through this. You are not alone. (((hugs)))

  3. Hang in there lady. You can make it. It sucks for a while, but when you make it through the pain to the other side, it is peaceful. Love ya and let me know what I can do.

  4. You continue to be the strongest most positive person I know. I was telling Hansen the memories I have of you picking me up when I was feeling very down and relying on your strength. In the MTC of course, our first area of Brasil (another bad episode), our second area of Brasil... you get the picture. And most recently, although still several years ago when Ron and I got in our first big fight and I walked to your apartment from Crossroads Mall in a total daze of confusion from what I had just been through. By the end of our conversation we were laughing it off. You patched me back up, drove me home, gave Ron a warm understanding "Hello" and sent me on my way. Your positive attitude and strength in adversity has always rubbed off on me and helped me see that it's possible to persevere and have joy in trying and painful circumstances. If anyone can get through this with colors flying (and a successful business going) it will be you!

  5. I found your blog through a string of blogs that originated at the Nesting Place... I HAD to post because my heart is just broken for you. I was where you are in September of LAST YEAR!!!!!! (great now I am crying so hard I can't type...) Three kids... new single mom... it was the most awful few months of my life and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out WHAT to do. I finally figured out WHO I was and what I wanted in life and I fell on my knees and claimed that life. I claimed every promise that my Heavenly Father had given me as his daughter and guess what... I feel like he gave me a choice. Because of our situation, biblically I could have been released from my husband but I didn't want that. I am thankful that God has restored our marriage to something better than it has ever been but that is also not without its own set of heartaches. So many "things" to remind you, like little demons in your own brain. So many what ifs and if only's...

    I think the title of your post was perfect. Please know that you are not alone. Even when my husband "left" I felt less alone in those months than ever before. I had more friends, more family, and a better relationship with my Heavenly Father than I had ever known in my life. I learned to rely on him and HE has made my paths straight.

    Just know there are people out there praying for you who you don't even know.

    Many hugs and prayers...