Better Mistakes

Sunday evening I broke down and cried in front of my children.

Most of the time I pat myself for holding it together pretty well. I consider it an accomplishment that I get up and showered every morning, all of the kids are fed, get to school on time, the daycare is up and running, the house is staying relatively clean even as projects continue, I am still doing my calling at church (with more kids!) and the children and I have established a very good routine of reading scriptures and praying together on my bed every night. Keeping busy has always helped me to keep it together. I prefer to be busy.

On Sunday night though, it all caught up with me. My weeks are so packed now that I can only do errands on Saturdays which are also full of soccer games, birthday parties and other kid functions. That leaves Sunday after church for cleaning the entire house, catching up on laundry and making sure we are ready for the following week. I finally got the kids to sit down and start their homework that evening while I went through their folders. There were six separate checks that had to be written, forms to be filled out and children who were more inclined to poke each other than to actually write their assignments. I had come to the end of my patience. I found myself yelling at the kids to GET THEIR WORK DONE while I tried to clean the kitchen around them. That's when reality hit me.

This is going to be very hard. Being a single Mother is hard. Not having someone to support you as you try and do your best is hard. Knowing no one is going to walk through the door and take over so you can bury yourself under your covers and cry is hard. Knowing this is going to be your life from here on out is very, very hard.

I leaned against the counter as I thought about what a horrible Mother I was being by losing my temper and taking out the anger I feel toward this situation on them. They are not at fault and never were. As my tears came, one by one my children approached and embraced me. I have great kids. I worry constantly how all of this is affecting them and how it will affect them in the future. What scars will they take into future relationships? What examples do they have in their lives to guide them to become good, honest, caring individuals? What fears do they have? How do I become the Mother they need while dealing with the realities of life on my own? How do I get through Sunday nights and be ready to face another week in the morning?

I make mistakes. Sometimes I break down. I try my best. I love my children.

I'm going to make better mistakes tomorrow.