Monday, August 3, 2009

My Children Have Left Me

There go my children at 9:00 this morning. All packed an ready to go, they drove off this morning for two weeks of fun at my parent's house in Idaho. I find myself pretty melancholy tonight. I miss them already.

I hope I packed enough books for Max. I put new batteries in his tetris game and he was happy as could be when he left this morning. I hope he has nothing but fun on this trip; not a care in the world.

Sweet Sophie tucked herself in with her favorite blanket, princess bear, lamb, her bug necklace (named browny) and a framed photo of her Mom and Dad.

I could not find Calvin's sandals. I hope he gets enough snuggles. He gave me 254 kisses this morning and at one point hid in my room as he was having second thoughts about leaving. He had a great time packing his backpack with cars, planes, 2 stuffed tigers (Hobbes #1 and #2), giraffe, Cutie (the hedgehog), cheerios, his Thomas the Train water bottle, smarties, and who knows what else Grandma and Grandpa might find. He was already busy looking at his Magic School bus books when it was time to leave.

I have never been apart from any of my children for more than three nights, so this is a big step for me. I already miss them terribly.

I have always wanted children. When we first got married, we had both agreed to wait for a least a year before trying to get pregnant. It seemed like the rational and logical thing to do. However, once we finally tied the knot (I was almost 26), it was like a light came on and I realized, "I could have a baby if I wanted to." We were pregnant with Max before we had been married 9 months.

I wanted more children that we were able to conceive, but I am so grateful for the three beautiful children God has entrusted into our care. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a Mother and though Motherhood is much harder in reality that the longings of a teenage girl, I can honestly say - I still love it. I have never, ever wanted to change being a stay at home Mom. Though circumstances have changed in our lives, watching additional children has allowed me to keep doing what is most important to me, being there to see my children off to school and to welcome them home in the afternoon; even if it is exhausting. I am so grateful to have been present for every little learning moment and every new milestone in their lives. I love that I can immediately spot a new freckle on Calvin and that he still wants to snuggle every morning.

I have learned to make a life that works around having kids present at almost every moment of every day. I am rarely, if ever alone at any time. I think these next two weeks are going to feel very lonely and very quiet. I imagine I will spend a lot of time thinking about how I could be a better Mother to these kids I miss so much.

The silence is very loud.


  1. I understand your feelings. You sound like a great Mother. I would have liked more, than two, children, but we were married ten years before Elsa was born. Isaac came along, and then no more):
    I miss having my children at home, but I am thankful that I could stay at home as they were growing up. I am a strong proponent of Mother's staying at home to rear their families. The time goes so quickly.
    I hope that your beautiful children enjoy their stay in Idaho.

  2. Thanks Stace, that's beautiful.

    You really are the greatest mommy in the world. And our children know it.

  3. beautifully written, stace. it's funny, but we both did the same thing when first married. pat and i also agreed to wait a year, but then i wanted kids so much that i was pregnant 9 months into marriage. i was able to have all the kids that i wanted though (not at the times i wanted them - but nonetheless they all eventually came - one earlier than expected); sorry the same wasn't true for you.

    you do have beautiful children and you are a fantastic mom. i remember i felt like i was a child on christmas morning when my girls returned from a 10 day trip to utah via my parents to be with pat's mom last february. i was sooo excited to see them. sounds like you will hail their return too. hope they are enjoying time with your family. it's great they have a chance to strengthen those extended family relationships.

  4. Wow...what an adventure for them and for you! Good luck. I would be happy to come share in your silence if you need some company!!!