Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Here and Now
Life right now is good. It is summer and though my days are actually busier, there is a relaxed feel to the days. The children are happily staying up later and sleeping in, spending whole days in their swimsuits and reveling in the lack of homework.
For the most part, I am good. After almost a full year of separation, the wheels are finally turning to make that change a permanent one. I hope to have everything done and finalized within the month - at that point, I hope to be able to really take a deep breath and move on.
I have had a lot of time to mourn the end of my marriage. I have had the time to step back and look at the good and the bad (and there really was both) and though I'm not sure we ever stop second guessing and wondering what could have been, I know that this decision is the right one for me and the children - and for their Dad.
Today is Father's Day and as I sit here at my computer, I am grateful this day is almost over. I did not realize how difficult this day would be for the children. Max woke up last night crying because he realized the primary was singing in church and he would have no one to look at. I tried to remind him of all the wonderful men in our ward who would be in the audience and have served our family and taken care of us in so many ways, but he was not consolable. I suggested he just sit next to me on the bench during the songs if he felt uncomfortable.
I also suggested he just make me breakfast in bed instead and that got a little smile out of him.
The children did not see or hear from their Dad today. They left messages both morning and night, but they went unanswered. Tonight they were blissfully distracted by dessert and games with friends. However, bed time brought more questions, more attempts to reach their Dad and more sad faces. There are days when I feel completely capable of making my children happy and loved, but there are days when I cannot be everything they need. Today was one of those days where I came up short. I could not make it better, I could not fix it, I could only say I'm sorry and usher them into bed to sleep away the last hours of Father's Day.
I am grateful for the Father's in my life. I love my Dad and I have always known how much he loves me and supports me. He has always been there for me and has been a wonderful example to me. I love my Father-in-Law who welcomed me into his family with open arms and has been nothing but kind to me in the 14 years I have known him. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and strengthens me when I feel I can not do enough. I am grateful for all of the Father's who have taken time away from their families to serve mine.
Thank you and Happy Father's Day.